Golden Joysticks 2014 - A Pessimistic Breakdown

Nine Million Votes Later And The Winners Are...

Best Original Game in association with Digital Spy
DayZ

Well I never! The game that everyone, their mother, their mother's cat, and their mother's cat's babysitter's next-door-neighbour's goldfish are talking about won something!

Best Online Game in association with PC Gamer
Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft

Umm...the whaaa?! I don't think I've heard ANY of my friends recommend this one. #gamergate

Best Storytelling
The Last of Us: Left Behind

Yup. Saw this one coming.

Best Visual Design
Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

Well. Let's face it. There wasn't much competition, was there?

Best Audio in association with PDP
Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

Is this the bit where I burst into a sea shanty? Tough shit, I don't know any.

Playfire Most Played Game of the Year
Rust

Huh?

Best Multiplayer in association with Absolute Radio
Battlefield 4

The game every other FPS wishes it was. One of the few times EA managed not to screw it up!

Best Indie Game in association with Official X-Box Magazine
DayZ

I refer you to my earlier comment

Innovation of the Year in association with T3
Oculus Rift DK2

No. Shit. Sherlock.

Best Gaming Moment in association with Sony Xperia Z3
The Last of Us: Left Behind – “The kiss”

This kinda makes me want to throw up fairy dust a bit. Also: SHE'S 14!!!

Best Handheld Game
Pokemon X & Y

Another 'No Shit' moment

Best Mobile Game in association with Kiss FM
Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft

#gamergate Also, Kiss? Really?! 

Most Wanted in association with The Sun
The Witcher III: Wild Hunt

The Sun are sponsoring the Golden Joysticks?! Don't they like to run articles about how games are eating children's brains or something?

Gaming Personality of the Year in association with Kotaku UK
PewDiePie

The only gamer famous enough to be on the news. Also, Kotaku, so obvious #gamergate

Studio of the Year in association with CVG
Ubisoft Montreal

Yay for Canadialand!

Gaming Platform of the Year in association with Gamesradar
Steam

GOG should have won this. 

Lifetime Achievement
Hideo Kojima

I wonder how much XP you get for that one?

Game of the Year in association with Green Man Gaming
Dark Souls II

Several hours of "OMG I HATE THIS STUPID GAME I KEEP DYING WTF IS WRONG WITH IT I HATE EVERYTHING"